Q and A

Leigha from Jackson, Tennessee asks...

Can Girls Really Be Friends with Guys?

Dear Junebug: I am in high school and at the beginning of last year I became really close friends with a guy in my grade; not close to dating or anything, just very close friends. He recently got a girlfriend and ever since we hardly ever talk at all. I recently asked him about it and he basically told me it was out of respect for his girlfriend and that he's sorry he hurt me, but it's not going to change. However, he also said he's still here for me, but not to expect him to call or talk to me. He's a very nice Christian boy and probably the best guy friend I've ever had. Before, I never would have guessed in a million years he'd leave me (and every other girl/friend he has ) behind for a girl. I completely understand that he's not going to text me every night like he used to, but I don't understand why we can't even be friends anymore. Please help.

Posted in Broken Relationships on Sat, Jan 22nd 2011

Yes and No

Dear Leigha:

I have experienced the loss of friends under similar circumstances as you have described, so I can sympathize with you. What I have come to understand is that when we make friends, whether opposite sex or same sex friends, there is always a risk of losing that friendship at some point in time. This is especially true for opposite sex friends, for when they enter into a new dating or romantic relationship that relationship will naturally occupy the majority of their time and we will see less and less of them. Unfortunately, more times than not, having friends of the opposite sex adds undue pressure to the dating relationship causing further distance to occur between you and your opposite sex friend. From my experience, guys have a propensity for dropping female friends when they enter into a new dating relationship as they focus all their time and attention on their new girlfriends.  

My advice is to develop friendships with members of the opposite sex with a dose of caution. Guys can be awesome friends, so opposite sex friends can and will be important to you. But, you have to enter into these friendships knowing that you could be positioning yourself for future disappointment. I also recommend that you strive for more than one friend at a time, for this will give you other options if that one friend disappoints you. I usually have two or three close friends in my inner circle. Then, I have several other friends that I can call on occasionally that aren't as close as my best friends.

I know you are bruised and shocked at  how quickly you were discarded for another. Please realize it has nothing to do with you; it's natural that the new girlfriend wouldn't want him close to another female. As I mentioned, it's happened to me and no doubt many others as well, so you join a large crowd of people who have had to learn the hard way about opposite sex friendships. At present, the best thing for you to do is to move on and diligently work on making new friendships, especially with other girls.  

I also want you to keep in mind that your friend may come back to you sometime in the future, for I know that true friendships will remain when dating or romantic relationships end. True friends are the ones that will always be there for me; they are the ones that I can trust with everything; and they will love me enough to hold me accountable for doing wrong. These friendships will last the test of time. What that means is they will remain my friend in good times and bad, through hurt feelings or arguments that may occur between us and a true friend will be there to support me when I need them most, no matter how much time has passed since I've talked with them last. 

And most important of all, your best and truest friend that will never leave or forsake you for anyone is JESUS. I find myself talking to HIM all the time; many times in the middle of the night when my friends and husband are sound asleep. JESUS never sleeps. He listens and even talks back if we are quiet enough to hear. And one last thing, He is a great friend finder!!!

Your Friend,